Month: July 2017

Coming Full Spiral ‘Round the World

I have returned from my worldwide trip three days ago. I visited a total of seven countries: South Africa, Vietnam, Laos, Thailand, Cambodia, Indonesia, and New Zealand. My two layovers were in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and Brisbane, Australia. I’m still processing what has happened over the last three months.

First, let’s talk about coming back to the U.S.

It was a doozy being admitted into my own country where I’m a citizen. Going through the security clearance was practically one step below being taken to an interrogation room. It was that kind of clearance. Usually I can walk on through without an issue. The TSA personnel scrutinized every minor detail. Every answer I gave was challenged. They took every little thing out and went through all of my receipts, clothes, and personal belongings. Even the coffee beans I brought back were opened and sniffed. (They smell good, don’t they?) My payment cards were taken out of my wallet to see if anything was hiding in the slots. They even went so far as to skim my sketchbook, calendar, and journal. They looked up all of my medications, both over the counter and prescriptions. I actually thought they would confiscate something, but that didn’t happen. It was nerve wracking to say the least. About half an hour later, they let me go.

I collect currencies and this is what’s left over from my travels: money from nine different countries. The TSA apparently frowns upon having a big wad of cash, as I learned from the rigorous screening. They asked what do I need all of that cash for, implying that it must be used for something illicit. When really, it was about $10-$15 worth of currency from each country. But it wasn’t worth converting back to US Dollars, because a percentage gets taken with the conversion. For starters, it should only be of concern if it’s $10,000 cash or more. I think they just wanted to give grief because they were bored. At least I have cash for next time!

Now I’m back in Seattle and wondering, “what the hell just happened?”

It is like waking up from a three-month dream. Practically nothing has changed here. But I know that I’m not exactly the same.

I went on this worldwide trip because a change was badly needed in my life. Every aspect of my life had stagnated, and travel was the only the only option left to give a jump start. My own world needed to be shaken up in order to move forward, so I made the decision to explore the one outside my own environment. Time to tear out old roots and plant new seeds, as the saying goes.

The extent of the changes will take months, perhaps even years, to sink in. What I can say for certain is that this journey took me out of my comfort zone in ways I’ve never experienced before.

I started off in South Africa to attend AfrikaBurn, where my social anxiety was swiftly confronted, and I found myself in a brand new community of friends who embraced emotional vulnerability. I then landed in Vietnam and got horribly lost while navigating among a language I did not understand. For the next seven weeks, I was immersed in the chaos and beauty of tropical Southeast Asia, perpetually in motion like a spinning top. I learned to negotiate prices as a confidence-building exercise and to not be sorry for what I want. I took a vegan cooking course in Vietnam. I ate the most delicious vegan food, petted the friendliest cats, and went on a meditation retreat in Thailand. I hiked up a volcano at 4 AM to watch the most breathtaking sunrise in Bali. I learned to ride a motorbike in Cambodia and was awestruck by the Temples of Angkor. I went scuba diving for the first time in Indonesia. I planted trees, weeded gardens, and volunteered my time at an urban farm in New Zealand.

But it wasn’t all sunshine, roses, and “a-ha” moments. The week after AfrikaBurn was spent fighting the debilitating norovirus. I got into more accidents in Southeast Asia than I could keep track of–which included sideswiping a motorcyclist on my bicycle in Vietnam. I fell on slippery rocks and broke my ribs in Laos. I literally ran into a car which put a dent in it, so I had to pay for damages in Indonesia. As if physical pain weren’t enough, halfway in my trip I had reached a turning point: My heart was shattered by a romantic interest back home at the same time one of my best friends shared that she has breast cancer. My weight dropped to nearly 120 pounds at my 5’9″ frame, and there were more 24+ hour benders than I could possibly count. There were nights where I truly felt like I was going crazy, especially in Southeast Asia, where I was all alone. It felt like nothing in the world could silence the fire raging through. The only option left was riding it out.

The more challenging parts also provided opportunities for growing emotional aptitude. It can be so easy to be swept away in a raging storm, and for me, the best I could do was take things one moment at a time. I may have been in hell some days, but it was the cleansing fire that burned out the old cobwebs of my psyche for new growth. A friend of mine had said, “don’t worry. Whatever happens, it always works out in the end.” I am grateful for the good parts of my trip and the bad.

This trip, with its good and bad parts, was a net positive to say the least. I’ve had to tackle my social anxiety by actually immersing myself in unfamiliar environments where I had no choice but to put faith in others. For most of my life, I was instilled with the belief that the world is a dangerous, scary place. In reality, most people around the world that I’ve met showed kindness and compassion. I was also led to believe that I was incompetent and not smart enough, and this trip has shown that maybe I’m actually more capable of things than I realize. It has built more solid confidence in me and others by really forcing myself to live in the outside world instead being so wrapped up inside my own head.

It had been a while since I felt that viscerally, thrillingly, brilliantly alive.

In New Zealand, the koru is a ubiquitous spiral symbol in Maori art for growth, change, new life, strength, and peace. It is based on the shape of a new unfurling silver fern frond. The outer shape of the spiral suggests perpetual movement while the inner coils show the return to the point of origin. It’s congruent with the belief that life is more of a spiral than a linear form. At the core is where the soul originates. As we grow, we sometimes return to the same point on whole new levels. We are in perpetual change, as nothing is permanent or pure.

“I’ve met travelers like you come and go. A lot of them are trying to find themselves or whatever light they are seeking. It could be the man who went though a divorce or the woman who is running from a traumatic past. Everyone has a story and happiness to find. But you know what, you don’t need to look so hard. You don’t have to go to the ends of the earth to find it. The light is already within you; it’s already there! You’re just still opening your eyes to fully see it.”

I shared that quote before in a previous entry. It’s from a conversation I had with the owner of a hotel I stayed at in Bali. It really struck a chord in me, as it was an encouraging reminder that every single person has inherent self-worth to begin with.

It’s what I’m actually beginning to see now.

I wish there was more to write about. I wish this blog entry was more detailed. But things are still sinking in, and as I said before, it will take a while before the entire experience is fully comprehended. It’s like a year of my life has been compressed to a period of three months. Now I’m back to where I started on a brand new level. Traveling the world solo has changed me in more ways than I can count.

Now that I’m back in Seattle, it’s time to decide where to go from here. Already I’m feeling restless from not having a next destination to go to, so…I’m planning an impromptu day trip to Portland tomorrow with my best friend, Brad. It’s a way to decompress after being set in constant motion.

Time to tie those boots on again.

New Incredible Heights

It was my last week in a New Zealand. After WWOOFing, I’ve took a bus to Turangi to meet a friend, which is further up north.

I met Mary in Vietnam two months ago. It’s a funny story how we met: I had snapped at her partner for sitting on my bed. (I had gotten into a bicycle accident ten minutes beforehand and was shaken up about it.) Then I later apologized about being rude to him, and that’s when I met Mary! We became friends fast. She’s so rad. She’s also vegan and we ate tons of vegan food during the time I visited Turangi.

Making new friends during my travels has been so easy. Usually my social anxiety warning light is flashing, and it has been ignored more as I went on. The friends I have made didn’t mind that I was a bit nervous at first, but when people are present and kind, it’s easier to relax.

Mary and I hung out at the ski fields, where she was staying for work. We had a great time, even without skiing since my rib was still sore. And then there were the some of the most spectacular sunsets I’ve ever seen, the spectrum of colors reflected off the snowy mountains.

Later in the week, I tried my hand at climbing for the first time and reached the top several times before the pain in my ribs flared up again. Otherwise, I would have kept on going.

In 2006, one of my cousins fell 800 feet to her death from rock climbing in Washington State. This deterred me from ever trying climbing. But I’m so tired of being afraid. I’m tired of this fear that was instilled in me. This is not who I am. I was warned to never try something like climbing and was kept within the boundaries of “don’ts.” But you don’t grow that way. You never know what you’re good at until you actually try it.

The week has drawn to a close, and so has my worldwide trip! I have departed New Zealand to return to the US of A, thus completing the circuit of going around the world. I will be flying so far out east, that I will land in the West again. By the time I arrive in Seattle, I will have landed almost the same time as I have left, so I will be living the same day again.

And what an incredible three months it has been! It’s hard to find the words to describe this experience. It’s like living a typical year of my life compressed into three months. It has been beautiful and frightening, surreal and visceral. And now it’s all over. It has changed me. This calls for a separate entry, and that one will come when I have finally returned and the dust settles.

I’ll be home soon.

One Year Sober

Today is the one year anniversary of sobriety with my best friend.

I’ve quit alcohol once before for 18 months back in 2010-11. After a series of stressful events, I figured that one drink wouldn’t hurt to ease my nerves.

I drank alcohol partially because it calmed my anxious nerves. Usually I wear a mask of calm hiding the sea of anxiety beneath, particularly around other people. The first sip was always dangerously seductive, the magical elixir rushing through my bloodstream like liquid gold. That one sip would flow through, a warm sensation that melted away any anxieties. After a while, one drink would turn into two. I had already crossed that line, so what’s to stop me from doing it again? Then two drinks would turn into three, and…well, you get the idea.

I won’t go into how alcohol ruined my life, because it never really went that far. I don’t even feel comfortable to say that I was an alcoholic, as there are plenty of people who have it worse than I did. I can say, however, that my relationship to alcohol was problematic anyway. I never kept it in the house because it would be finished much faster than what is considered moderate consumption. In some cases, I would not even remember what happened the night prior. I may not have consumed it every day, but when I did, there was no way I could stop at just one drink.

Alcohol felt like a temporary bandage to my depression, spinning a shimmering light into my small world. It made me feel alive and sociable, charming and unstoppable. It also kept me from ever taking the steps from getting out of my depression without it. While it did a great job of lowering my inhibitions, alcohol is still a depressant. It has also landed me in more dangerous or embarrassing situations that I could keep track of.

I had reached a breaking point when my best friend saved me from a situation. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t touch alcohol again for two weeks. Not even a week passed when the temptation struck at my roommate’s birthday party the following Wednesday. I couldn’t even keep my own promise to sobriety, and usually I’m pretty good at keeping the promises I make.

When I told my best friend about what happened, it dawned on me that I should quit alcohol again for good. He agreed that it’s a good idea. This guy is like a brother to me. When I told him I couldn’t do it alone, he said, “then I’ll quit with you.”

Since then, I’ve been able to better manage my anxiety and depression…and then there were the first signs of the lifelong PTSD lifting a few months after making the decision to be sober. Sobriety has saved me a ton of money (hello world traveling!), and it has made me more mindful of emotional regulation, instead of relying on booze as a temporary band-aid. I still have temptations here and there, but with my “brother” going this far with me, there’s just no way I could ever do that to him. He would say that my sobriety is for me, not for him, but you see…giving up that vice again was actually scary. It helps to have someone to walk through that darkness with. And now I don’t even miss alcohol.

There are ways to continue having fun without imbibing. For starters, having a sparkling water (I’m addicted to La Croix) has kept me off the booze. At bars, my go-to is a sparkling water with grenadine with a cherry on top. Fortunately, many bars have a menu for “mocktails.”

I was worried if giving up alcohol also meant giving up a vibrant social life if I chose to go out. But your real friends are those who support your decision to be healthier and happier. Your real friends want to see you flourish, and they will do what they can to help you. Your real friends won’t make fun of you or leave you when you want to better yourself. As Dr. Seuss said, “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

One year down… I can do this for the rest of my life.

Of Windstorms, Broken Ribs, and Gluten-Free Crackers

Wellington is known for its unpredictable weather. All week there have been windstorms, with gales exceeding 100 k.m.h. (That’s 62 m.p.h. for you U.S. folks!) You could feel the whole house shake, and apparently this is normal. My WWOOF hosts live in a high-wind zone, but just one step below the “Special Engineering Required” zone for building requirements. They said that someone’s roof blew off in that area. What!

But they didn’t make me work outside because wind storms are obviously dangerous. So, I got to stay indoors and do domestic stuff, like baking bread for the week!

Really, having freshly baked bread straight from the bread maker is one of the best things in the world. Maybe I’m overreacting a little, but when a warm fluffy bite of whole wheat bread melts on your tongue, you’d be in heaven too. Unless you eat gluten-free. Then that’s understandable if you’re not keen on it.

It is also very likely that I’ve broken a rib when falling on some rocks in Laos almost two months ago. The pain made it very difficult to breathe then, and whenever I sneezed, it felt like my whole body shattered. Slowly the pain diminished to a dull ache here and there. Barely having any rest and all of those benders in Southeast Asia probably did my injury no favors. Lately, the pain has flared up again. I never went to the doctor because it only seemed like just a bad fall at the time. But pain that lasts this long doesn’t feel normal. Even if I did go to a doctor, there’s not a whole lot that can be done for a broken rib. I can at least run and work. That’s what matters the most. I go stir crazy from sitting or lying down for too long. I am safe and warm in New Zealand, and getting plenty of rest in between.

In the meantime, indoor things are just fine. I even made laundry detergent from scratch!

And then came the gluten-free crackers from scratch. The recipe is as follows:

  • 2 Cups gluten-free oats
  • 1 1/2 cups oat flour
  • 1/3 cup olive oil
  • Pinch of salt
  • 1/2 cup water

Preheat oven to 350 degrees (Or 180 degrees Celsius). Mix all dry ingredients, then add the wet ingredients until a dough forms. Let it sit for 15 minutes for the oats to absorb the water. Roll out the dough to 1/4 inch thick and use a cookie cutter to cut circles. Makes about 10 3-inch crackers. 

If you have only a 2-inch cookie cutter, don’t worry, the gluten-free cracker police won’t come after you. You’ll just end up with more crackers at a smaller size.

There’s only a week left in my worldwide trip before coming home. Reflections on the entire adventure flip through, and yet it feels too soon to write about it. Not all of it has sunken in yet. I’m not sure how this has changed me at the moment.

In the meantime, there’s an ice pack on my side along with the understanding that I’ve lived a little outside my comfort zone.

Pulling Out Old Roots

I’ve mentioned earlier that Wellington is very similar to Seattle on every level. The artsy and vegan familiarity isn’t the only reason I picked this city to do a WWOOF volunteership.

The climate is also similar to the Pacific Northwest. Whatever experience is gained here can be applied back at home. The difference is that it can get very windy, with gales exceeding 100 km per hour. Eek!

It’s actually been relatively calm last week, which made it all the more pleasant to pull weeds out of the garden.

I have been getting intimately familiar with onion weed by pulling up the roots and bulbs. Here is an example of a small patch I worked on last week. 

Pulling up all of those onion weeds looks deceptively easy, but it was actually time consuming because the roots ran very deep. Tearing them out from under the surface also exposed some of the fattest earthworms I’ve ever seen, which attracted the birds that would eat them…watching nature take its course before my own eyes.

I can’t express how glad I am to be here. It feels so good to volunteer and be a part of something again. For a while in Seattle, I was living on the periphery.

Currently I’m staying with two lovely hosts who make me feel so welcome and appreciated. And we cook the most delicious and nutritious vegan meals together. Finding the right hosts can definitely impact the experience, and I am so grateful for that. Their place also gets plenty of natural light, which is crucial for winter months, at least for me.

That’s what I’ve missed: something so human as the feeling of belonging somewhere and being a part of something meaningful. With WWOOFing has come a sense of purpose and community. 

It can be easy to go back to my super introverted ways. Isolating oneself is so much easier to do once all basic needs are met. Maybe I’m not ever the type who gains energy by being around tons of people, but last year I have noticed that while isolation keeps people from hurting me, it has been slowly rotting my world. It had gotten to the point where it actually was doing more harm than good, yet I was so wrapped up in its comfort, that it was hard to see a way out. 

This is one reason why I’m traveling. And then traveling just for myself got old. I was looking another purpose outside of my own world that could still be practical and fulfilling. 

Am I trying to be a good person? I don’t know; I ain’t a saint or anything. All I know is that I’m trying my best here like everyone else. I do know that healing or self-improvement cannot be done alone; there needs to be a sense of care and community involved. And it’s not always easy or glamorous. I still fuck up every now and again. But this growth is so far a net-positive.

The expression “tearing out old roots and plant new seeds” has never been more relevant.

Vegan No-Sugar-Added Hot Chocolate

I’ve mentioned that it’s winter in New Zealand. The winter blues that have been forgotten hit unexpectedly in this beautiful place.

I run for at least an hour several days a week. The endorphins keep my brain in working order and mood elevated. Sometimes, however, running alone isn’t enough. 

Yesterday was my first day WWOOFing, and it feels so good having a purpose again. Volunteering is something I’ve missed doing, and contributing my time and energy while being a part of something is helping to keep the blues away.

I’m currently staying in a house with two lovely, gracious hosts who are following a strict gluten-free and no sugar diet. While it’s hard to turn down a vegan pastry or dessert, sugar is probably one of the worst things you can feed yourself if you have depression, even if it only hits seasonally. We already know that studies have found that it has the same addictive properties as cocaine. So, when the withdrawal symptoms creep up… It can leave a gaping feeling inside, further compounding the depressive feelings. But I’m determined to work through it.

Running about 30 miles a week sometimes doesn’t quite cut it. In addition to volunteer work, it turns out that not having access to anything sweet is probably what is saving my drifting mentality right now.

Though, the hosts did say I can help myself to anything I like. While I’m grateful there is no sugar in the house, withdrawal can be a bitch. 

So, I whipped up a recipe for a vegan hot chocolate that doesn’t have any sugar added but still hits the spot. The raw cacao contains the antioxidants your body craves without that stuff negating any of it. The spices provide a natural sweetness that is actually satisfying. Say, what!

 

Vegan No-Sugar-Added Hot Chocolate

Ingredients:

  • 1 Liter unsweetened soy milk (or whatever dairy-free milk you prefer)
  • 4 Tablespoons raw cacao powder
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon 
  • 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
  • 1/4 teaspoon cardamom

Heat up the soy milk in a sauce pan over low heat. Gradually whisk the dry ingredients in until everything is well blended. Try not to overheat the hot chocolate drink, because the heat can kill the antioxidants. But if you prefer hotter drinks and don’t mind that bit, then go for it.

Makes 4 servings.

The spices can be tweaked to whatever you prefer. If you prefer clove and allspice over cardamom, then feel free to switch it up. You can even add vanilla extract to give it a sweeter aroma. 

Enjoy!

Brisbane/Wellington: Not Quite Home, but Pretty Close

I arrived in New Zealand a few days ago. But first! Let’s talk a little about Brisbane, Australia. 

I had a layover that lasted all day, so I took the train from the airport to the city. Southeast Asia can spoil anyone with cheap food and coffee (cheap everything, really), so it was a shock to see how expensive everything is in Australia. Welcome back to the “First World.”

All I did in Brisbane was visit the museums with free admission, take a stroll around the botanical gardens, and take a ride on the City Hopper ferry before making it back to the airport. There wasn’t a better way to kill time. Except…

There is a donut shop called Doughnut Time that has some of the vegan variety. 

I sank my teeth in one and it was so delicious, it almost moved me to tears. In Seattle, I keep telling everyone how they need to try a Mighty-O donut because it’s the best. And people should still have one! As far as being the best I’ve ever had, I’m so sorry Mighty-O, I really do love you, but…

I have since made it to New Zealand. 

As cool as Wellington is, the point of going around the world has been to challenge myself in new environments. Wellington is practically Seattle’s Kiwi cousin, which isn’t a new environment at all. In fact, I feel right at home.

It’s not a bad thing, though it’s interesting that I’ve actually been feeling restless from the lack of adrenaline that steadily pulsed through before. New Zealand is a fairly safe place to be. Walking alone at night is apparently okay, but the idea is still unsettling. 

Nonetheless, the vegan scene here is thriving. There is a little store called V1 Vegan that opened up a just few months ago along Cuba St. I had a pain au chocolat.

The owners are so nice and welcoming and I definitely want to come back! Later that night, I went to a vegan night market that happens every first Saturday of the month. Can I just stay here forever?

There is an art community here, though it’s not quite as strong as Seattle. Then again, I am clearly asking for too much and could just appreciate the art Wellington does have to offer. 

As for the quirky style I’m into, there’s Matchbox Studios, which is a boutique and art gallery. Currently, they have an exhibition called Pet Project: An Exhibition of Cute Animals. You had me at “cute animals.”

Wellington is a very walkable town. I have spent the week getting to know the city either by walking or running through.  

What I’ve noticed lately is how my sense of direction has slowly been returning, especially after taking off for this world tour. PTSD can truly disorient someone. It’s been easier to take a step back from being so wrapped up in the vortex of my own mind. Sometimes I will look at maps to ensure I’m on the right track, but usually there isn’t a need to. Finding my way back when I’m not 100% sure where I’m going almost feels like a magnet along a path. I can feel the pull of the destination.

Currently it’s also peak winter over here. Going from tropical weather to a cold, wet, and grey environment is quite an adjustment. It’s like my system is going through sunshine withdrawal. (Guess I have to turn in my goth card for that.) The southern latitude is on par with Seattle’s northern counterpart, so the sun goes down as early as the north in December. I should be used to having the winter blues by now, except that it’s July! It will be okay; staying active and mindful can make all the difference. Usually I’m sequestered indoors during those months, unless it’s time for a run. It’s just that it was a bit of a struggle last winter, and trust me when I say that having the ol’ seasonal depression once a year is more than enough. 

Just keep breathing and keep going. 

But you know, I’m safe. This town is lovely and I’m in good hands. I can get around without incident and more resources are available to me now. Pretty soon I will start WWOOFing (acronym for World Wide Opportunities on Farms), which is the primary purpose of my time here in New Zealand. So, I’ll finally get to contribute some time and volunteer work, which is what I’ve missed doing. (Hence the working holiday visa shown above.)

So far, my impression of Wellington is that it’s very similar to Seattle and the Pacific Northwest: from the weather to the vegan and art scene that the city offers. Then again, I’ve only been around just Wellington.

The winter blues can go to hell, because this is nothing short of a magical place and I’ve been enjoying every minute of it.