In 2020 someone posted, “Everyone needs more than what anyone can give right now.”

This surreal era feels as if time has stopped, stretching the entire year, one which felt like the longest in our entire lives. At first, we introverts thrived during quarantine–and then burnt out, as promises of the pandemic ending faded. We settled into this new normal, as protests for racial equality rose, people lost their jobs, wildfires blazed down the West Coast, we weathered through a nail-biter of an election, and as the pandemic went on.

Everyone needs more than what anyone can give right now.

If you’re like me, you probably coped with this new normal by making art and beautifying our city, baking bread, or even participating in a virtual ultramarathon. Maybe a solo socially distanced road trip is what you needed. (Looking at you, Oregon Coast! 😉 ) Or, in true quarantine fashion, you visited your friends’ islands in Animal Crossing, a virtual life where you plant flowers and talk to your cute animal friends.

If you just focused on surviving, I’m so glad you’re here. Even if we tried to make the most of this year, many of us slowed down especially as the year ended.

New beginnings in this new normal

I bought Ev’Yan Whitney’s Review Reflect Release for 2020, an introspective workbook of writing prompts to reflect upon life in the challenging year. It took a couple weeks to finish. After thoroughly writing out the Release section, it was time to let all of it go by cutting it up into sections and burning it. I rarely burn things, so this was a cathartic process.

My housemate shared about how he journals and updates lists every day. It can feel challenging to stay positive during these uncertain times. It helps to write down intentions, in addition to the free-writing I usually do. I sometimes lose sight of many good things in life. Writing a short gratitude list of what’s right offers some hope, which can help nudge action. I find that it makes small goals a little more tangible, especially when things feel so uncertain.

When I’m not writing, two things I ask myself are:

1. What can I control? (My breath.)
2. How can I live right now? (One day at a time.)

While life has slowed down a lot over here, maybe the ball is rolling more than I can see right now. For instance, I’ve been learning CSS, a front-end coding language I’ve always struggled with before. There are more big plans in the works, and it’s only January!

2020 was a doozy, and it’s understandable that folks really want to forget the whole year. But I think this one is worth remembering; it’s a hard lesson to learn from. We don’t want to go back to normal. So, we take what we learned and apply these lessons for the future.

Life can spiral in weird ways, sometimes in the form of difficult yet necessary lessons. This is particularly true when you’re pouring your heart into making your life’s dream real.

Ten years ago, I arrived in Seattle with just a car full of my stuff. I didn’t know a soul, nor did I have a job lined up during the height of the recession. If you don’t know my backstory, my previous life in Virginia was fraught with severe interpersonal trauma for as long as I can remember. Back then, I was 23 years old and had hit the darkest point of my entire life. This 3,000-mile move was a last resort to redirect the way things were going. I was determined to flourish a life in the city of my dreams, one that would accept the gifts I have to offer.

Seattle offered a safe haven to foster healing and growth as a creative, vegan, feminist queer woman who has a penchant for cats and black coffee. I’ve fantasized about living here since I was 16 years old. I didn’t visit until I was 22, and it really was love at first sight. A year later, I visited again. Then I suddenly moved two weeks later–if I lost that window of time, then there would never be another opportunity to escape. Never have I a found a place that feels so much like home. Seattle may not be for everyone, and it can be a tough circle to crack at times, but this city still took me right in just like that.

My purposes of moving to Seattle were 1. to be an artist, and 2. to find inner peace and happiness.

It took many hard lessons while building a new life here.

Good things don’t come easy

Moving here was a terrifying decision–what if it doesn’t work out? Either way, it still came at a terrible price: I ended up losing everything in order to find my happiness.

It wasn’t pretty. My mental state was in deep shambles, and things got worse before they got better. I even teetered on homelessness, and slipped into addiction in multiple forms for a few years. It seemed like there was no end in sight.

Despite those hardships, the desire to build a life here stayed. I never once doubted that this is where I belong. Despite everything else, for the first time, I felt safe in this progressive city.

I kept going, and kept working to get on my feet. Eventually this enormous leap of faith of moving here brought great returns. I made more friends here than I ever had in my previous life, as I became involved in multiple communities. I sought help to work through my past and to make peace with it. This helped me muster up enough courage to circumnavigate the world on my own. One of my favorite galleries invited me to be a resident artist, a position I happily took for 2 1/2 years. I was truly beginning to find inner peace. Everything was coming true, as new dreams and ambitions unfolded.

You have to keep on keepin’ on, even when the odds are stacked against you. Take chances, make mistakes, and learn a thing…or several.

We spiral up in life

Now that another year has passed, I’ve returned to the same point in this life-spiral. The difference is that this point is on several new upper levels with more experience. We gently spiral up in life.

Here’s a list of life’s lessons that I learned in the past ten years. When your past has been difficult and dark, your view of the world may be bleak. Living that way was exhausting; that’s not how anyone operates by default. Moving to Seattle gave a second chance to return to myself.

When you finally realize that the best things (like love and inspiration, for instance) are actually abundant than scarce, you see that the world is actually not as a terrible place as you thought. The journey doesn’t stop there, though. Even though I come from a dark past, at least I learned so much and have a lot to be thankful for. Life’s so weird, and I like to think of it as an interesting ride. As a friend said, when you stagnate and your world shrinks, that’s when you start dying. And I prefer to live.

I learned that…

• Intuition makes a better compass than logic.
• There are more good people than bad people in the world. It’s the bad ones that really stand out and ruin it for everyone else.
• It’s “espresso,” not “expresso.”
• Emotions cannot be explained by logic.
• Self-esteem and confidence must be built from the ground up; they cannot be given.
• The beauty industry that promises weight loss, beauty, and other superficial things are exploiting your insecurities to make a profit. There was nothing wrong with you in the first place. You are fine just the way you are.
• If you haven’t failed, then you haven’t tried hard enough.
• Life isn’t full of despair when your mindset shifts from “scarcity” to “enough.”
• People generally don’t keep score on favors you do for each other.
• Fear is not love.
• People are generally as afraid of judgment as you are.
• Usually people don’t care about what you do because they’re busy focusing on themselves.
• You can’t take everything people say seriously.
• Don’t take things personally.
• We live in context.
• You can’t grow if you keep going through life avoiding mistakes.
• People who hurt others habitually on purpose are often emotional black holes.
• Never trust anyone who doesn’t have or show any vulnerabilities. When someone isn’t afraid of anything at all, it shows that they literally don’t care about anything but themselves in the end. They most likely have no integrity, either.
• In the end, it’s not about never getting hurt. What matters more is how you manage the pain. Going through life without pain is not an option.
• The kind of people and environment you attract generally depends on your emotional health and well-being.
• A lot of times, people are not aware of what they’re doing. They can’t see what others can, even if it is really bad. They can’t see their own shadow.
• We live in relation to each other in the grand scheme of everything else.
• When your heart is broken, think about how many times it has happened in the past, especially if it was worse then. Now think about how many times it will happen in the future. This too shall pass, and it takes all the time it needs.
• Deliberately suffering through life on the premise that it makes you stronger and tougher, when the option to live a happier and fulfilling one is easily available, is really no way to live at all.
• Just gaining material knowledge doesn’t make you more intelligent. Intelligence is how you apply this knowledge to understand and comprehend the world around you.
• People who talk a lot of shit are 1) doing it to make themselves feel better; and/or 2) self-loathing and can’t stand seeing others doing better than they are.
• Living well really is the best revenge.
• Two wrongs really don’t make a right. Don’t bring yourself down to the other person’s level, but rather try setting an example of how to be.
• Embrace your quirks; they are the strongest traits you have.
• You cannot accept responsibility for other people’s actions.
• The closest people in your life should be the ones who help you grow the most. You should inspire and motivate each other to grow the way you’re meant to and become better people.
• If you’ve seriously lost touch with who you really are (in other words, your soul), you can bring yourself back, but you can’t do it alone. You’ll need guidance for that.
• Think about how hard it is to change yourself. Now think about how hard it is to try changing someone else.
• Love can wait.
• Life is not a contest.
• “Normal” is relative.
• In the end, you have to do the best you can with what you have.
• When you break away from perfection, you become more creative and venture out further in your imagination.
• No one can do everything alone. Humans are social beings and we all need each other.
• That being said, make sure your needs are met first before meeting the needs of others.
• There are no such thing as absolutes. Nothing is pure.
• The world doesn’t end when you step out of rigid boundaries.
• The world doesn’t end when a lot of things don’t go the way you intend them to.
• People who don’t take responsibility for their actions are not worth your time or energy.
• You have a right to feel your emotions and be in touch with them. If it’s a bad feeling, it needs to be respected and felt in order to pass through before you feel better.
• You can set aside pain or bury it deep inside to forget, but that won’t set you free. The only way out is through.
• Friends who discourage you from following your dreams are not really your friends, no matter how close they are.
• There doesn’t have to be a yes or no answer to everything.
• Sometimes, something can have two contradicting answers and still be valid.
• Sometimes, there just isn’t an answer as to why something is.
• And sometimes, people make up an answer under the premise that having one, even if it’s wrong, is better than not having an answer at all.
• Over-apologizing annoys people. There was most likely nothing to be sorry about in the first place.
• Don’t apologize if you don’t feel sorry.
• It’s okay to be human, and it’s more than okay to have bodily functions and emotions.
• It’s okay to want and need attention. Humans are hard-wired for it.
• In the end it’s not about what has been lost, but rather what has been gained.
• Being whole and secure in yourself requires being nurtured with love, respect, and compassion.
• Perfectionism is one of the worst mentalities ever. All it does is stunt emotional and personal growth. Forgive your mistakes, learn from them, and move on.
• People who gossip a lot do it because they don’t have rich inner lives of their own.
• The cruelest people are most often the ones hurting the most.
• Even if you never find your “soulmate,” it’s really not the end of the world. Another person doesn’t need to complete you, but rather augment your life.
• Even though some great friendships can be brief, the impact they have in your life is significant and real. Silently thank them for their role in your life and move on.
• Letting go of expectations makes life a lot more fun.
• Patience is required to grow as a person, just like how you can’t yell at a plant to grow faster.
• Things, decisions, views and perspectives, etc. don’t need to be a polarized binary. There can be a spectrum.
• You can always take a break from something you love and come back to it anytime.
• Self-healing cannot be rushed. It takes as long as it needs to take.
• Everything will fall into place; it just takes patience.

Ever since I began my healing work from my lifelong trauma and Complex PTSD, there’s been a shift in my headspace. I feel more relaxed and less afraid. Friends have noticed how my overall energy has grown brighter over the past five years. I felt that it was time for a formal aura reading.

Aura Aura is a portrait practice that specializes in reading an individual’s energy fields, which are represented by a spectrum of colors in a one-of-a-kind photograph. It reveals the ethereal and mystical aspects on a visible medium. According to the website, aura colors can change under different life stories, feelings, circumstances, and different states of being.

How the process works

It’s recommended that you come into your appointment with a clear headspace, without being under the influence of anything such as drugs or alcohol. Mind-altering substances can give a bad aura reading; the colors may appear darker or muted in the photograph. With a clear mind, the colors of your energy are more apparent.

I was led into a geodesic dome, which is where the photograph took place. The studio manager sat me down and had put my hands on a pair of box-like energy readers. The whole process took seconds. The photograph was taken on instant peel-apart film.

How energy moves in our bodies

In ancient Hindu tradition or medicine, the seven chakras are the major energy centers in the body, spanning from the base of the spine (root chakra) to the top of the head (crown chakra). Each has a different color, vibrational energy, and function. Most of colors in the aura reading are connected to the seven chakras.

The positions and movement of auric energy

To start, this handy chart explains the placement of the vibrational energy and how it moves through a person in an auric photograph. The studio manager gave a formal reading of mine.

My very own aura reading: Colors have different vibrational energy

As seen above, my aura is mostly Violet and Indigo, with splashes of Magenta, Pink, and Blue. There’s so much to interpret here. This comprehensive color guide explains what the colors mean in relation to energy, and I feel that many of them are synonymous.

Starting from the right side of the photograph, it shows the receptive Blue energy going inward. Blue is indicative for someone with natural intuition with a penchant for deep personal relationships. This is a calm energy that leans more towards sensitive introverts like myself. People with this energy prefer solitude and quieter spaces for deep reflection and introspection.

Next, there’s an arch spanning over the center, which represents the present. Indigo is described as an empathetic vibrational energy for the intuitive and feeling types of people. With this energy, a person is a seeker and views the world bigger than themselves. They strive to understand the complexities of life and the universe. Violet, the visionary aura, is similar to Indigo. People with Violet energy have progressive ideas and high hopes, as they lead humanity towards a brighter future. (I’m not sure about the leadership part, but it’s fun to think about.)

The center leads to the left side of the photo, representing recent past energy going outward. Here we see magenta and pink. Magenta energy is described as creative, high-energy, free-spirited, and eccentric, yet possibly misunderstood. People with a Magenta aura need to freely express themselves. (That’s very true with me.) There’s also a Pink aura, which is rare. A Pink aura is known to be loving, gentle, and kind; it is a healing energy.

The colored energy over the throat (Indigo again) is indicative of how a person communicates. Finally, the heart center shows the energy coming from the heart space (Magenta here).

How much truth is in an aura reading?

I’m sure some of you are skeptical, especially when you lean towards a scientific or empiricist mindset. When I first heard about the seven chakras, I felt a little doubtful as well. Over the course of my own healing work, however, I began to open up to the idea. It doesn’t mean that you have to believe in it a hundred percent; you can take it with a grain of salt and still respect the chakra system.

The aura readings provided are a start for self-discovery and can provide a map of where your energy is in this moment in time. While it might be vague and seen as New Age-y, they can be seen as a tool for your energy. The rest of the interpretation is up to you and where you want to go with it.

Just in case you feel badly about yourself or your capabilities, remember that you circumnavigated the world on your own.

-My therapist

In the past month:

1. My grandma died
2. My temp job ended and it has been difficult securing another full time job.
3. My relationship ended.
4. I’ve had to come to terms with something traumatic that happened to me 3 years ago.

The present:

It could always be a lot worse. I know. Experience has shown that when things don’t work out, it’s often a push towards something better. I’m still sad from it all. I think these feelings must be worked through in order to move on.

The future:

I’m going to most likely encounter some estranged family members at my grandma’s birthday celebration in March, which I am apprehensive about. My therapist says I got this. Perhaps we can all have a fresh start.

What a start to the new year.

We are in the second month of 2018. If you made any resolutions, how are you holding up? What have you accomplished so far? What amazing stuff have you done already? If you’re like me, self-care would be your Number One priority, especially when shit has hit the fan.

I don’t really make New Year’s Resolutions anymore, despite having kept most of them. Many times, a lot of new habits for self-improvement kick in around the middle of the year. But now that I’m going through a difficult time, self-care while formulating an action plan is absolutely necessary.

The only resolution I made was to quit sugar for the entire month of January. (A friend brought up a very good point: do I mean just vegan desserts, or added sugar? Sugar is ubiquitous, occurring even in salad dressing and soy milk. In this case, I meant vegan sweets and desserts.) It’s not the first time I have quit consuming something. Several years back, I became 90% gluten-free for six months. I have to say that I never noticed a difference in mostly eliminating gluten from my diet. But giving up sugar has produced some subtle changes in my mood after about 6 weeks.

After January ended, I had a few desserts in the first 2 weeks of February. They made me feel a little bit sick, and there was that sugar hangover that hangs like a dark depressive cloud for days after. So, I decided it’s a good idea to eliminate sugar indefinitely. Maybe I’ll have a dessert once a month, but it’s clear that any more than that has adverse effects.

Somewhere I have read that it takes a minimum of 21 days to enforce a new habit, but I’m pretty sure that many people agree that it takes much longer than that. When I quit alcohol, it actually took months before the benefits of sobriety began to settle in.

As an aside, my brother from another mother and I have been 18 months sober now. Halfway through the year, we decided it was best that I stopped drinking, and he quit with me. This is the longest I have been without alcohol since 2010. What was once seen as a life sentence, we now embrace as a lifetime commitment.

I also have been getting back on track with meditation, drawing, and even journal writing. I still run, and really want to do a third marathon. (Right now I cannot justify the costs of the expensive race fees.) Even keeping my living space neat and tidy has been helpful. Self-care is my main priority now. Everything else falls into place after taking care of myself first. Then, my life will get back on track. In the meantime, I get to send my carefully crafted resume and cover letters out to potential employers.

In the past, I was fearful of being in between jobs and viewed romantic relationships that didn’t work out as a reflection of how I failed. But now I can see that some things just aren’t meant to be. Experience has shown that if something doesn’t work out or open up, then maybe it’s not your path. As for my grandmother, I am glad she had lived a long, fruitful, and blessed life. She was the sweetest lady and I miss her.

Take a deep breath…

You will get through this.