From April 24th through the 30th, we were immersed in the surreal world of AfrikaBurn, a Burning Man regional event held at the Tankwa Karoo National Park.

I am what you would call a Burner: someone who attends Burning Man. I also have an official diagnosis for PTSD, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. Social Anxiety Disorder is an anxiety disorder in which an individual is fearful of interaction with others. This goes beyond shyness. From Wikipedia:

Social anxiety disorder (SAD), also known as social phobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by a significant amount of fear in one or more social situations, causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny from others.

This psychological wall has been built over many, many years from trauma in order to keep everyone out. Introversion is a natural tendency of mine, and so isolation has often been comforting. Ronnieland is a safe place to be; nobody can hurt me there. But the isolation and avoidance has given a false sense of safety. It’s one thing to want to avoid something that hurts; but when it affects virtually every aspect of your life, that is not normal. The good news is that it can be reversed through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and medication.

And then there are events like Burning Man.

I’ve been to Burning Man in the USA four times: 2011, 2013, 2014, and 2015. Every time I’ve been, there has always been a wide range of workshops and lectures to attend for personal and interpersonal development. Everyone has their own reasons why they attend a Burning Man event: whether it’s to let loose their inner sparkle pony and indulge in raucous debauchery, to get in better touch with their creativity, to make more friends, and/or to delve into a stronger connection with their spiritual self. Whatever the reasons are, there are the 10 Principles to live by in order to keep the community strong. They are as follows:

1. Radical Inclusion
2. Gifting
3. Decommodification
4. Radical Self-Reliance
5. Radical Self-Expression
6. Communal Effort
7. Civic Responsibility
8. Leaving No Trace
9. Participation
10. Immediacy

AfrikaBurn has an 11th Principle: “Each one teach one.”

Burning Man and its regional events can be a challenging place for someone with social anxiety. There is always so much going on, with people everywhere. It can be overwhelming. The good news is that everyone is friendly and welcoming. It is a community where weirdos are welcome, as long as you abide by the 10 Principles.

For AfrikaBurn, I had made a few necklace pouches, each containing a vial of dust straight from the source known as Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man is held. The rule was to give them out to those who really want to go to Burning Man, but have never been. One of them was given to one of my camp mates, which was easy. The other four that were left meant that it was time to strike up conversation with someone.

It’s interesting, because we all have to do that on a daily basis. For someone with social anxiety, conventional wisdom would say that it gets easier as they interact more with others. Except, what if it doesn’t? What if they continuously experience distress from interaction?

I don’t know what works for others. What I do know for myself is that combatting social anxiety is not just a mental process. It involves settling the mind back into the body, where it belongs. A lot of times, social interactions can cause the mind to “check out” when things feel overwhelming. What I’ve been doing was meditating to guide my own agitated mind gently back into a warm calm state and have it stay there.

One night I was out with my friends, and there was a vision of two entwining spirals–the split selves of me–coiling into each other and melting into my core. It was the adult me holding the little girl inside; I held her close and whispered, “you don’t have to be sorry for anything.”

Meaning, you don’t have to be sorry for existing. You don’t have to be sorry for feeling, for thinking, for having needs. You don’t have to be sorry for being human.

One of my friends asked if I was alright. And I told her what was going on. Another one of my friends said, “of course you don’t have to be sorry. Why would you have to be sorry for stuff like that?”

It also helped to keep in mind that everyone loves receiving gifts, no matter how small. So, when I gave away my jewelry pieces to strangers, it was so rewarding to see their faces light up with joy.

The last one I had was a brooch pin with a glass vial of dust. A friendly person smiled at me while we danced, and something as simple as a little smile was so profound to me. Usually I would avert my eyes and avoid the person, because my traumatized mind would flash a warning light. This time, I chose to take a few deep breaths, and stay present. I observed the person, and while I’m wary around people, there was absolutely nothing scary about him.

All he asked was if I was having a good time and how going to Burning Man is high on his bucket list of things to do. I knew that this was the person who needed to have the brooch, so I pinned it on him. His eyes widened in surprise and he asked, “are you sure?” I smiled and told him to enjoy it.

He then reached into his bag and pulled out a necklace with an inner circle of a five Rand coin. He was wearing the outer circle of the coin around his neck. And then he took a photo of me.

I was absolutely not expecting that, but that can be the beauty of Burning Man events. When we gift something, there is no expectation of getting something in return. It’s not a bartering system like the default world believes. We gift out of kindness, because we want to. I thanked him and walked to my camp to rest up.

I was thinking why something so simple as that interaction can be so difficult with others. Despite my introverted tendencies, I crave human contact like everyone else. It can be hard with that wall separating me and the rest of the world. It’s difficult to open up, as I don’t always feel safe expressing my feelings.

Here I was sitting at my camp at 4 AM. I tried to stop it, but the tears gushed forth despite my best efforts to “stay strong,” whatever that means anymore. At this point, it was best to let it pass through. This was an emotional block and it needed to get out.

My friends checked to see what was going on, and it was so awkward. I don’t think I’m alone here, but it’s uncomfortable crying in front of people even if they are close to me. This is a common result from growing up in an environment where it wasn’t safe to express emotions. So when they came to check on me, I had to fight every urge to apologize for being this way, because this is being human.

Turning off social anxiety is not like a switch. It’s quite tiring, but what was important is that my friends held space. Nobody was judging, and they certainly didn’t make me feel bad for anything. They made me feel safe and cared for. Those are the kinds of people you want in your life. It sounds like a no-brainer, but trust me when I say this is real.

I sat there breathing and gathering my wits together before heading back out to see the Tree of Life temple burn at 5 A.M.

For the rest of the time there, it wasn’t always profound. Every moment wasn’t a revelation or an a-ha realization about connection. Usually I don’t have sudden epiphanies. Usually these realizations slowly build on top of one another piece by piece as the steely ice wall of Ronnieland slowly chips away. That’s usually how learning comes by anyway. It often takes a few tries of anything to sink in. It’s events like AfrikaBurn and Burning Man that can really test someone’s limits, especially one with social anxiety.

It’s up to the one experiencing all of this to decide what to take from it and where to go from there. Some people live by the mantra, “what happens at AfrikaBurn stays at AfrikaBurn,” but so many others choose to take those 11 Principles and live their lives and serve their communities through those.

As for me, I’ve been a Burner since 2011, and building self-confidence through this community is still a learning process. It doesn’t stop. It shouldn’t stop. And I don’t think I’m alone here. We do the best we can with what we have. Because in the end, connections are all we have. We are all in this together.