After a super delayed flight from Kuala Lumpur, I practically crashed in Bali. Somewhat literally.

It was a bit of a rough start in Bali. The day after I arrived, I went out for a run. I suddenly crashed into a sign which knocked into a parked vehicle. There were scratches and the driver would not let me go until I paid for the damages. It wasn’t too much money, but that experience made me feel even worse. The owner of the hostel I stayed at said that shit happens and that money is a tool that can always be replaced.

I eventually made it up to Ubud and did a mapped-out walking/hiking tour from the Bali/Lombok Lonely Planet guide book. It is for anyone who has free time and wants to see the rice paddies and farms outside the town.

Don’t be like me and hike alone, especially if you’re a solo female. There were snarling feral dogs and, to make matters worse, a man was followed me on his motorbike. Every time I turned around to confront him, he sped off before I had a chance to get his license plate number. My phone won’t make outgoing calls anymore, so if something goes wrong, I can’t call for help. Eventually I arrived at a village where I felt safer. That is the last time I’m ever hiking alone.

Even though it was a rough start in Bali and the feeling of looking forward to leaving was there, I made it a point to be mindful that those incidents can happen anywhere in the world. It helped to remind myself to not let those define my time in this place.

So, I’ve mostly stayed in Ubud. This is a town that breathes art, culture, and mindfulness, and so I felt right at home. I just wish there was a friend or someone I could share experiences in this town with.

Ubud also has an organic vegan cinema called Paradiso. When I first went there, I had a raw vegan chocolate cupcake while watching “20th Century Women” on the big screen. Can I just stay here forever?

Everywhere in Bali, there are little offerings set outside of homes and storefronts. This is done year round.

I also saw a dance performance called the Barong.

The dance reflects a central theme of Balinese cosmology. Life is understood to exist on the cusp between chaos and order. Too much chaos and everything disintegrates; too much order leads to stagnation. A dynamic balance between the two is optimal. The dance between the forces is eternal. Neither is ever vanquished and the dynamic is confirmed by the equilibrium at the end of the event.

I have reached a point in my worldwide journey where I feel this distant ache, one where it hasn’t really bothered me before. Maybe it was growing and has gotten big enough to be apparent. Despite being a solitude-loving introvert, there is one thing I’ve finally admitted: I’m lonely and homesick.

Usually I enjoy my own company, and while I’ve met and made friends with some awesome people during this journey, this overhanging feeling of emptiness has been lurking like a shadow.

In the book Eat Pray Love, Liz Gilbert mentions that Bali locals will ask, “where are you going?” They do this because they’re very concerned with the “order of things.” Everyone has a place in the universe, and if you’re lost, that can stress them out. They don’t really care what you say, as long as you give a good enough answer and know where you’re going. (Example: “Just down the street.”) I never looked for verifying information, but some locals have asked me that and I just went along with it. And they seemed relieved with whatever answer I gave them.

It made me think that my state of mind is lost when homesickness permeates through. It certainly messes with the order of things in my own existence. Even though Ubud is a lovely town, I couldn’t quite shake the feeling of wishing there was a friend to share this time with, even if it’s just a few days. In the interwoven fabric of community and friends, it has felt like being a stray thread frayed on the edge.

But you know, maybe this homesickness is normal for solo travelers to go through. I made the choice of doing this worldwide trip, and good things aren’t always easy to go through. As cheesy as it sounds, I’ve been re-learning that what keeps us going is how we’re able to stay hopeful and not let anyone take it away; either abroad or even when shit back home hits the fan. It can be deceptively simple at times, though.

Take a deep breath… I will continue onward in spite of. I will continue to meet people and listen to their stories. I will keep running, keep eating delicious vegan food, keep writing, keep meditating, keep growing, keep planning, keep going, keep breathing, keep loving…

I will keep on keepin’ on.