Luang Prabang, Laos offers chill to travelers who haven’t had much. After spending almost three weeks immersed in the hustle and bustle of Vietnam, the easier vibe in Luang Prabang has given a chance to take a breather for a few days.

I’m the kind of person who likes to do all of the things. The day after I arrived late at night from Hanoi–because our bus broke down–I did a lot of temple hopping, museum going, vegan food eating, window shopping (though I did have some custom earrings made), drawing, writing, a little hike to Phousi, a massage at the Lao Red Cross, and some running thrown in there for good measure. Then I finished the night off at a book store. 

The thing is that feeling rushed to fit everything in just isn’t the Lao way. The locals here gave a gentle reminder to slow down. They promised that I would enjoy their town better if I tried doing less things. If I just soaked up the present instead of getting caught up in the next plan/objective. And they’re right. Harried Westerners like me could learn something from these people.

I climbed to the top of Mt. Phousi. There are little temples to stop and visit along the way. When I reached the top, I dropped a 10,000 kip note inside the box and asked for something that sounds small but means everything. Maybe I’ll share it; for now, it feels more appropriate to keep it in my heart.

I never weigh myself but earlier this week, I was curious. I have lost a significant amount of weight since traveling and am now officially underweight. 

I bring this up because in the past, there was this monster of an eating disorder that had consumed my entire life for about ten years total. It was truly a special kind of hell. I never had a drug problem, but I imagine that this is what it’s like. Eating disorders typically have a deeper issue lying underneath, and mine were a black hole of consistent severe emotional trauma, which formed the backbone of my life. Trauma, depression, and disgust towards myself were all I knew then. So, I starved myself–or binged to oblivion–as a way to cope, the same way a drug addict desperately uses their own vices to escape their demons. Seeing the ever-decreasing numbers register on the scale had been the first and foremost thing calming me down. The hell I was in was so vast, that all odds for recovery seemed absent. It wasn’t until I actually sought for help and slowly learned healthier behaviors that the eating disorder started to fade.

Will I ever love my body? Probably not, but I’ve at least learned to appreciate it for what it is. I love what it can do, the distances it can run, the incredible speed it recovers from injury and illness, and the thriving health it’s in. I love how different cuts of clothing or patterns of fabric can bring out the best features of it. I may not ever be as skinny as I want, but do I really want that anymore? Is having the perfect body really worth the self-hatred and abysmally low self-esteem?

I never thought in a million years that I would actually say that.

I’m not sure when I crossed over the line to choose health over “perfection.” Once I’ve built a stronger and more sustainable foundation to live life, health slowly took over while everything else trickled into place. Slowly my self-respect was growing as I worked to foster my own growth.

So, when I saw that I’m now officially underweight for my height, the first feelings from it weren’t elation or little sparks of joy. Instead, there was some concern, along with more neutral thoughts that maybe weight loss is common when traveling. If you were constantly immersed in new information and surroundings, you would forget to eat, too. Not to mention, it is hot over here!

Don’t worry though, because there has been a vegan buffet every night, and I have been savoring every bite. 

This slower pace in Luang Prabang was probably what I needed in order to process these thoughts and have these realizations. My eating disorder hasn’t crossed my mind in a long while. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I purposely starved myself to lose weight. (Fasting, on the other hand, serves a different purpose, such as resetting the body.) I can’t remember the last time I berated myself for having that cupcake, or stared at my body hypercritically in the mirror for hours on end. I don’t weigh myself, just in case the numbers trigger me again. But the fact I actually feel sexy in my own skin: I never thought I would be able to believe that either.

Today I leave for Chiang Mai, Thailand. I’m approaching the halfway point of my tour and was wondering if I’m even learning anything. Sometimes when you stop and catch your breath, things also just catch up to you…and so becomes a part of you even if it’s no longer relevant. Processing can be slow like that. 

I think the Lao people are onto something.