(Translation of “Song of a Manhattan Suicide Addict”)

Swallow antidepressants and it will be gone

Tear down the gate of hallucinations

It’s the first week of September, which means that fall is practically here! But first, the Pacific Northwest had another heatwave to go through before the weather starts cooling down. We hope that was the last of it.

Seattle Art Museum has a special exhibition called Infinity Mirrors, featuring the work of Yayoi Kusama. It was my third attempt to see the show. Tickets sold out the other two times, so this time I waited in line since 7:30 in the morning. Dedication, bitches.

Being immersed in infinite reflections with lights, colors, polka dots was such a magical, unforgettable experience. Each visitor is allotted 20-30 seconds for each room. Every second almost seemed like a small eternity. There was something meditative about just being present and taking in all of art. This experience was an opportunity to learn something. I noticed that when I was lost in those infinite spaces, nothing else bothered me or even crossed my mind.

Currently, the season is changing and we have a smokey haze up in Seattle, thanks to wildfires blazing through Washington and Oregon. It is raining ash, and the smoke has been irritating everyone. The sun above has an eerie red haze like it’s the apocalypse, and it’s especially rough for those who have respiratory issues.

We hope rain is coming soon, because that will hopefully dampen the fires. We’re all relieved that the weather is cooling down, at least.

Speaking of change, even after a month of coming back from traveling, it’s still sinking in. Most of the week had been spent fighting anxiety attacks and the doldrums, maybe because I’ve been running out of medication and have been going through some terrible withdrawals.

The moods were sinking in, taking me with them. Then a voice cautioned, “now, you do have a choice…”

It’s like rock climbing or bouldering. Sure, you could let go and stay falling. I’m pretty sure some people would understand. Or you could summon your strength to move on and keep resting on that.

It involves staying very present. It’s supposed to be effortless, but at the same time it is deceptively simple. It’s like a muscle that has to stay flexed. It might get tired and it might give way a little, but that’s exactly why it wants to keep building. Making it a point to stay in gratitude, instead of focusing on what’s missing.

That confidence muscle gets tired sometimes. Medication withdrawals are no joke. But I try to find ways to let go of the resistance built up inside. It’s the tightening of the grip of my mentality and at the same time keeping the soul tender. I at least still have that soft and creamy center. Always do your best, as they say.

So, when I lost myself in the Infinity Mirrors show, it was a lesson that we don’t have to look so hard to enjoy what’s around us. Like the red sun in our Pacific Northwest skies, being obscured by smoke makes it hard to shine clear and bright. Being lost in thought leads to a very cloudy lens, doesn’t it?

Maybe we don’t have to fight ourselves so hard. I noticed that builds up more resistance. Maybe we could just focus on what is going right in our lives and rest on that.

I am starting to learn that staying present really can stretch infinitely.