I mentioned in the last entry about my new job. It’s my first job where I’m actually working on a global team. My lead editor lives in California, my other editor lives in London, the project manager is based in Argentina, and the tech support is in the Czech Republic. As supportive as these people are, in a way it makes me feel a little sad how I’ll never actually meet any of them. It’s common, but I’ll never get to know any of them.

The closest exception was having a Skype conversation with the London-based editor about my performance. It was nice seeing a face and a voice to a name. I was concerned about meeting my quotas for the week, since I’m still working on getting up to speed. There wasn’t a lot of feedback to give on my work apparently, and that I have a solid grasp on my assignments. And a new skill I must learn is to skim information quickly before writing up an entry. I’m sure it will get easier the more I do it.

It’s a matter of getting the style guide editorial rules down and then building upon that foundation. Getting the rules down makes it so much easier, because that means less time is spent reviewing them. Not only that, but there is a lot of reference material to consult before I write something up.

Last week, I spent well over 70 hours working. It’s actually not that bad, since it goes by fast. Plus, since I’m working at home, I get to take short intermittent naps (about 15-20 minutes) when I need to. The downside is that, other than for running or doing errands, it gets easy to stay in the house for days on end. I could go to a coffee shop or library to work, but the commotion of it can be distracting. At home, it’s peaceful.

So far, the new job is going well. The long hours don’t leave time for much else, but I’m okay with it for now. It’s a start towards something better. I can feel it in my bones.

My Previous Life

Throughout my life, there was pressure on finding a good career. In Virginia, people often found their passions in real estate, business, or working for the federal government. But none of those really fit me.

As a teenager during the advent of the Internet, I had always been making websites and producing amateur content. I was always artistically inclined and was frequently writing in a journal. Could this turn into a career? I enjoyed producing content and writing, but the pressures from society made me feel self-conscious for projecting my voice and art.

So, I left it behind to pursue a degree in Art Education. It felt like being a teacher was the only legitimate career I could have while staying in the arts. However, I was under the false impression that I could save the world, one art lesson at a time.

A few months after graduation, I substituted mostly elementary school students. I then landed a long-term substitute position to teach fashion design and marketing to high school students. My job was to create a stimulating environment that is conducive to learning while utilizing hands-on approaches. I also integrated lessons into a long-term curriculum plan to ensure continuity of education objectives.

However, as an introvert, teaching can be quite a challenge. A teacher must be “on” for about eight hours a day while teaching five classrooms of thirty students each. It also entails classroom management and dealing with parents who often don’t trust you–not to mention the school administration. This is all while trying to deliver lessons to students that have senioritis: they’re eager to just get done with it and graduate.

All of this led me to finally come to the conclusion that teaching is not for me, and that a more “introverted” job would be appropriate. At a loss, I went to a vocational rehabilitation psychiatrist to find what my skillsets are. The four-hour long appointment consisted of mental puzzles and IQ tests. It included a psychiatric evaluation, a Myers-Briggs personality test (my result keeps changing), and other problem solving puzzles. It turns out that my strongest skillset is within language and writing. The results showed that my vocabulary is within the 95 percentile, whereas my math abilities are unmentionable. The psychiatrist said that, while I have a Type 2 Bipolar diagnosis and Major Depressive Disorder, I have a good brain and can get any job I apply myself to.

The trouble was that my self-esteem and confidence were so low that the only jobs I felt I was really qualified for were low-wage jobs. I felt that tech, creative work, records keeping, and other “white collar jobs” were way out of my league. PTSD (a later diagnosis) can also severely impact one’s ability to learn and thrive. My fight-or-flight switch was constantly on, and I was always running away in my own head. I was, in essence, trapped in my own mind. With PTSD and the resulting depression, it can be very difficult for outside information to stick, which in turn, makes it hard to move up in the world.

Some Things Take Time

I continued to paint and make fine art. It wasn’t until my mid-20s that a job in the records department of a law firm landed in my lap by luck. This involved a lot of organizing of case files, use of a document management system, and working under competing deadlines for multiple attorney workgroups. It was similar to working in a library without the general public. While I was grateful for the opportunity and the amazing team I had, it was also obvious that I was meant for something more creative and language-oriented. It took a long time and a lot of therapy before I felt comfortable enough to take a big risk to start this blog and document an epic worldwide adventure. It was then, for the first time, that I began to really see my self-worth–especially in the career aspect.

On Taking A Big Risk for a New Start

I started this lifestyle blog project over a year ago as a way to gain experience in the creative/tech industry. It was an experiment to see where my skillsets further lie. While I have a knack for writing and documenting, it turns out that maybe marketing is better left to someone else. Then again, it’s a skill that can be learned, like most things in life. I also learned to use a more complex content management system and an SEO style guide. Even after my extensive traveling ended, I still updated from time to time. It turns out that this blog has led me to an amazing opportunity, where writing and travel experience are preferred.

For the last six months, I had been in between jobs. I applied to positions and often faced many rejection letters due to lack of experience. Then, back in April, I applied for a remote job for a company based out in the Czech Republic. They sent me study material for a series of intense writing tests–some of which left me in tears. It was reminiscent of finals week in university. For the third round I submitted my answers, a bit uncertain, but knowing I did my best.

The editors who reviewed my work offered yet another round, because they saw potential. Gracious for this extra opportunity, I took my time and completed it, triple checking my words and structure. I felt really good about it. I also told myself to not feel bad if I didn’t get the job. What mattered was that I did my very best.

The editors were happy to inform me that I am now a freelance content producer for Moravia. This is a start for the tech/creative industry. This new position involves creating factual, objective content in English, while ensuring accuracy and consistency of style, structure, and voice according to the client-specific guidelines. Familiarity with content management systems is an additional requirement for this job.

The risk I took with traveling and starting this Coming Full Spiral project is now starting to pay off! There were valid insecurities of it not working out. My plans had derailed for a bit, but with luck and a bit of patience, now things are slowly but surely turning around.

And Now…

I’m not sure what career advice to give to anyone. I had never been the career-oriented type until recently. (Cover letters and resume formats, what?!) I guess that’s what happens when you hit your 30s. Suddenly, life hits you like a bag of oranges. In your 20s, you might fly through it, feeling like you have all the time in the world. (For me, I had to heal from that manic-depressive decade before I could move on.) But once you hit 30, you see how finite life really is. There’s nothing like a sense of your own mortality that makes you get your act together.

For now, I will be gaining experience in this new job to further my career in writing and content production. This feels like what I’ve been meant to do all along. It really is coming back around like a spiral. I cannot wait.

I’ve been pet sitting a lot lately. I’ve been doing this on and off for years. I usually take care of cats and sometimes dogs.

There’s something about loving other people’s animals and looking after their homes that is calming and soothing. It’s probably the notion that this duty stems from trust, which makes it meaningful. When pet sitting, I do my best to treat the house like a camp site: Leave No Trace. This means leaving everything the way it was found. I treat other people’s homes better than my own, even. And of course, the animals need lots of love while their families are away. My introverted nature generally makes me more sociable around animals than people, so I give them as much attention as they like.

When pet sitting, it’s very important not to pick favorites among clients and their cats to ensure that everyone gets the same kind of loving treatment. Of course, like people, cats have different personalities. Some are more affectionate, and others need more space. Regardless, I still love them like they’re my own.

When it comes to looking after the house, I mentioned the Leave No Trace principle. This is because when people come back to their homes from a trip, they’re probably tired. My job is to make everything look nice so that they come back to a clean and pleasant setting. I do my best to leave the home the way I found it. Not only does it impress them, but that often influences their decision if they would like me to look after their home and animals in the future.

Whenever I’m pet sitting, I often send pictures and updates at the family’s discretion. The families miss their pets, so I give them a peace of mind that everyone is being well loved and cared for. I’ve rarely ever had anything go wrong, and if something were to happen, they would get notified immediately. I’m pretty careful and like making sure everyone is safe.

Often, I get asked to come back. Not only has trust been established to look after everything, but the animals and I have built a solid rapport. I’m always happy to do so.

Today is my 31st Birthday.

A year ago I entered my 30s, feeling like I was wearing shoes that were a couple sizes too big. It felt unfamiliar, and I was unsure of what to do with myself. Then I left to travel and the changes from that whole trip have continued to spur growth in the void where it felt like something was missing.

I just returned from a family union gathering in Jacksonville, FL. My cousins and I are in the same age range, and they are in their late 20s. I overheard one of them expressing mild apprehension about turning 28, and another consoling her that it’s just another year. I have to say that once you hit 30, all of that concern dissolves. About 20 years ago, I asked one of my aunts her age. It made her stop and think. Finally, she said, “I’m 35, but when you get to my age, you forget how old you are.” My 9-year-old mind didn’t believe her at the time, but I get what she means now.

My 30th year will be hard to beat. But starting my third decade with the deliberate intention of upending my life with epic adventures in order to grow has proven to lay the foundation to further improve my own life. Before, depression had permeated my existence, which often made it difficult to move ahead. But as I get older, I feel more comfortable taking risks and making investments to further grow as a person. The depression is still there at times, but it doesn’t have as much power as it did a year ago.

I don’t have a tendency to look back as much. At this point, I’m looking ahead and have been living with more solid intention than I did before. It’s so much easier to do that when healing has taken place more. I’m okay with the weight gain and creases forming around my eyes. The clarity that comes with age is more important. Once you have that, there’s nothing that can ever take it away.

I am feeling pretty good about it.

Despite the fact that the current events in the world have taken a dark turn, 2017 has been one of the most critical years of my entire life. This year has been an emotional one bursting with growth, new experiences, and new adventures. There were challenges where I made the decision to power through and come out the other side as a brand new person. Many things happened this year, so here are some of most important from this year:

Womxn’s March

What a weird time this is now. The only good thing that came out of the devastating results of the 2016 election was seeing practically the whole city band together for the Seattle’s Womxn’s March, as a demonstration of resisting our current administration. It has made me more focused on current events, because now more than ever, it is so important to be in the know.

The Birth of Coming Full Spiral

My blog came to life in March of this year! I have been a visual artist my entire life and decided to try my hand in writing and social media. This meant learning WordPress, the platform on which the blog is run on. Learning the ins and outs of this complex platform definitely led to some all-nighters. Like any new thing, experience grows the more you practice something. I have even started a new Instagram and Facebook page for this project as a way to gain experience with social media. I will always be an artist. It turns out that I also have a knack in writing and documenting.

Selling My Car

A necessary thing to do before traveling was to sell my beloved Nissan Sentra I had since I was 16. It was the first and only car I have ever owned. It made many things possible in my life. That car got me across the country, which was a 3,000 mile drive, to start a new life in Seattle. It safely got me to Burning Man and back four times. I have given many rides and have made many friends in that car. And now it’s time to move on. I can always get another one. The last time I heard about it, the new owner has been enjoying the ride.

Being 30 Years Old

I start my age with a 3 now. Where most people dread becoming older, I gladly embrace it. The clarity that comes with age is worth the aging of physical appearance. I tore through my manic-depressive twenties like a whirlwind, so my 30th year was welcomed with open arms. To celebrate, I spent my birthday week in Iceland, where I frolicked around Reykjavik. So far, being 30 has treated me well. There’s a sense of confidence and ease that can be absent when you’re younger. I am looking forward to what life is like at age 40.

Circumnavigating the World

What was once an insane idea beyond my wildest dreams 2 1/2 years ago manifested into reality on April 19, 2017. The purpose of the trip was to confront my PTSD, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and social anxiety by circumnavigating the world solo. Upending the stagnation of my existence in a life overhaul was no easy feat, and it took a lot of planning, coordination, and bravery in the face of many anxiety storms. Starting in South Africa, I kept working my way east to Southeast Asia, before making the final stop in New Zealand. Upon completion, I emerged as a brand new person on the other side. The journey had many firsts, many realizations, many new friendships, many accidents, broken ribs, and an earth-shattering heartbreak–all of which spurred changes and growth in me. It was the journey of a lifetime which I look back very fondly, including the bad parts. Those are just as important, because they help build character.

Cheering on Alexis, Because Fuck Cancer

Halfway through my trip around the world, I received devastating news that my best friend, Alexis, has Stage 2 breast cancer. But her tenacious optimism and fighting spirit have gotten her through the completion of chemotherapy. Witnessing her unwavering positive attitude was inspiring, and it served as a reminder that we all have a choice on our attitude to what life throws at us. The good news is that her prognosis looks good, even though there will be lots of monitoring and tests in her future. We are all so, so very happy for her recovery.

Slowly Dipping Back into Visual Art

My entire life, I have been a visual artist before starting this new blog. So, my art making has been put on hold all year, until fall rolled around. And so, I participated in and completed Inktober, which was doing one ink drawing a day for all 31 days of October. I also painted a cupcake and submitted it to Ghost Gallery for their annual miniature art show. It was the only painting I completed all year. I learned a couple weeks ago that it sold!

Running a Half Marathon

I have been running for most of my life, and lately my long runs have been at near half marathon distance. So, I decided to sign up for the half version of the Seattle Marathon. The winter blues had really gripped me, and although doing races isn’t the most cost effective method for fighting them, it was something I wanted to do. Was it getting the finisher’s medal in the end? That’s part of it. It was also the camaraderie that I have missed, being part of something that everyone else is going through and cheering each other on.

Witnessing Visionary Artist, Alex Grey, Paint Live

Since about age 16, the visionary artist, Alex Grey, has been one of my inspirations to me. While I couldn’t quite understand it at first, it eventually led me to embrace my own voice and style as a psychedelic surrealist artist. Alexis and I saw Alex Grey and his wife, Allyson, give an artist talk about their creative processes and the spiritual transcendence capture in their work. A smooth transition gave way to a magical dance party filled with live art, DJs, and performances. While the two artists painted on the stage, Alex turned around and we locked eyes. I smiled and it was as though he could see right through me as he returned one of the warmest smiles expressing full acknowledgement. To quote The Great Gatsby of what that was like:

He smiled understandingly–much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced–or seemed to face–the whole eternal world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.

I don’t usually make New Year’s Resolutions anymore, even though I’m pretty good on keeping most of them. This year was focused on turning a new leaf, and the lesson I have taken from it will continue to be applied into the future. It has been a strange and wonderful ride, filled with elation and heartbreak. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Here is a sound track from 2017 that can be played on Spotify. I curate one of these every year.

2018 will be built on this new person I have become. I can feel it.

This is Alexis. Alexis and I have been best friends since 2014.

Our personalities are rather different: while I tend to be on the quieter pensive end, Alexis is vivacious with sparkling energy. We are like yin and yang, water and fire, night and day. We are photo negatives of each other, of shadow and light with her manias and my depressions. Through our differences springs a truly beautiful friendship, one where I’m proud to call her my sister from another mister.

We have some of the most intimate and explicit conversations where we are not afraid to be ourselves–it is one of those kinds of friendships. Every woman needs one.

Halfway during my trip around the world, Alexis shared that she has Stage 2 breast cancer. It was already a stressful point of the journey. Never mind what I was going through; with something like cancer, how does one go about having to suddenly face their own mortality? It absolutely blew my mind. Nonetheless, her bravery, optimism, and fighting spirit have been inspiring to witness as she goes on to kick that cancer’s ass.

When I asked her how she is able to stay optimistic through the whole process, she said, “I may not be able to change the outcome, but I can certainly change my attitude.” The fact that she is always able to hold her own well is what drew me to her in the first place. The fact that she was the one comforting me proves her compassion and strong will, an inspiring attitude anyone could learn from. Of all the people I know, she can handle cancer the best.

The good news is that the prognosis looks good. The tumor has been removed, and she will be having chemo for the next six months. We had a head shaving party, and it was so lovely seeing her surrounded by all of her closest female friends. I have never seen someone so excited to shave all of hair off because of cancer. But it was still a beautiful thing.

It could always be a lot worse. Witnessing Alexis going through all of this has been heartbreaking, but the perspective through which she chooses to see serves as a reminder that we always have a choice on our own attitudes.

Never mind how traveling the world changes someone. Even though I often think about the complexities of life and death, I have never experienced having to actually face my own mortality. It’s not my say to explain how it all works here; those things are very subjective experiences. But Alexis has shared how it has changed her.

And we are doing everything we can to be there for her during this time.