Setting off a New Course

I mentioned in the last entry about my new job. It’s my first job where I’m actually working on a global team. My lead editor lives in California, my other editor lives in London, the project manager is based in Argentina, and the tech support is in the Czech Republic. As supportive as these people are, in a way it makes me feel a little sad how I’ll never actually meet any of them. It’s common, but I’ll never get to know any of them.

The closest exception was having a Skype conversation with the London-based editor about my performance. It was nice seeing a face and a voice to a name. I was concerned about meeting my quotas for the week, since I’m still working on getting up to speed. There wasn’t a lot of feedback to give on my work apparently, and that I have a solid grasp on my assignments. And a new skill I must learn is to skim information quickly before writing up an entry. I’m sure it will get easier the more I do it.

It’s a matter of getting the style guide editorial rules down and then building upon that foundation. Getting the rules down makes it so much easier, because that means less time is spent reviewing them. Not only that, but there is a lot of reference material to consult before I write something up.

Last week, I spent well over 70 hours working. It’s actually not that bad, since it goes by fast. Plus, since I’m working at home, I get to take short intermittent naps (about 15-20 minutes) when I need to. The downside is that, other than for running or doing errands, it gets easy to stay in the house for days on end. I could go to a coffee shop or library to work, but the commotion of it can be distracting. At home, it’s peaceful.

So far, the new job is going well. The long hours don’t leave time for much else, but I’m okay with it for now. It’s a start towards something better. I can feel it in my bones.

A Brief History of My Career

My Previous Life

Throughout my life, there was pressure on finding a good career. In Virginia, people often found their passions in real estate, business, or working for the federal government. But none of those really fit me.

As a teenager during the advent of the Internet, I had always been making websites and producing amateur content. I was always artistically inclined and was frequently writing in a journal. Could this turn into a career? I enjoyed producing content and writing, but the pressures from society made me feel self-conscious for projecting my voice and art.

So, I left it behind to pursue a degree in Art Education. It felt like being a teacher was the only legitimate career I could have while staying in the arts. However, I was under the false impression that I could save the world, one art lesson at a time.

A few months after graduation, I substituted mostly elementary school students. I then landed a long-term substitute position to teach fashion design and marketing to high school students. My job was to create a stimulating environment that is conducive to learning while utilizing hands-on approaches. I also integrated lessons into a long-term curriculum plan to ensure continuity of education objectives.

However, as an introvert, teaching can be quite a challenge. A teacher must be “on” for about eight hours a day while teaching five classrooms of thirty students each. It also entails classroom management and dealing with parents who often don’t trust you–not to mention the school administration. This is all while trying to deliver lessons to students that have senioritis: they’re eager to just get done with it and graduate.

All of this led me to finally come to the conclusion that teaching is not for me, and that a more “introverted” job would be appropriate. At a loss, I went to a vocational rehabilitation psychiatrist to find what my skillsets are. The four-hour long appointment consisted of mental puzzles and IQ tests. It included a psychiatric evaluation, a Myers-Briggs personality test (my result keeps changing), and other problem solving puzzles. It turns out that my strongest skillset is within language and writing. The results showed that my vocabulary is within the 95 percentile, whereas my math abilities are unmentionable. The psychiatrist said that, while I have a Type 2 Bipolar diagnosis and Major Depressive Disorder, I have a good brain and can get any job I apply myself to.

The trouble was that my self-esteem and confidence were so low that the only jobs I felt I was really qualified for were low-wage jobs. I felt that tech, creative work, records keeping, and other “white collar jobs” were way out of my league. PTSD (a later diagnosis) can also severely impact one’s ability to learn and thrive. My fight-or-flight switch was constantly on, and I was always running away in my own head. I was, in essence, trapped in my own mind. With PTSD and the resulting depression, it can be very difficult for outside information to stick, which in turn, makes it hard to move up in the world.

Some Things Take Time

I continued to paint and make fine art. It wasn’t until my mid-20s that a job in the records department of a law firm landed in my lap by luck. This involved a lot of organizing of case files, use of a document management system, and working under competing deadlines for multiple attorney workgroups. It was similar to working in a library without the general public. While I was grateful for the opportunity and the amazing team I had, it was also obvious that I was meant for something more creative and language-oriented. It took a long time and a lot of therapy before I felt comfortable enough to take a big risk to start this blog and document an epic worldwide adventure. It was then, for the first time, that I began to really see my self-worth–especially in the career aspect.

On Taking A Big Risk for a New Start

I started this lifestyle blog project over a year ago as a way to gain experience in the creative/tech industry. It was an experiment to see where my skillsets further lie. While I have a knack for writing and documenting, it turns out that maybe marketing is better left to someone else. Then again, it’s a skill that can be learned, like most things in life. I also learned to use a more complex content management system and an SEO style guide. Even after my extensive traveling ended, I still updated from time to time. It turns out that this blog has led me to an amazing opportunity, where writing and travel experience are preferred.

For the last six months, I had been in between jobs. I applied to positions and often faced many rejection letters due to lack of experience. Then, back in April, I applied for a remote job for a company based out in the Czech Republic. They sent me study material for a series of intense writing tests–some of which left me in tears. It was reminiscent of finals week in university. For the third round I submitted my answers, a bit uncertain, but knowing I did my best.

The editors who reviewed my work offered yet another round, because they saw potential. Gracious for this extra opportunity, I took my time and completed it, triple checking my words and structure. I felt really good about it. I also told myself to not feel bad if I didn’t get the job. What mattered was that I did my very best.

The editors were happy to inform me that I am now a freelance content producer for Moravia. This is a start for the tech/creative industry. This new position involves creating factual, objective content in English, while ensuring accuracy and consistency of style, structure, and voice according to the client-specific guidelines. Familiarity with content management systems is an additional requirement for this job.

The risk I took with traveling and starting this Coming Full Spiral project is now starting to pay off! There were valid insecurities of it not working out. My plans had derailed for a bit, but with luck and a bit of patience, now things are slowly but surely turning around.

And Now…

I’m not sure what career advice to give to anyone. I had never been the career-oriented type until recently. (Cover letters and resume formats, what?!) I guess that’s what happens when you hit your 30s. Suddenly, life hits you like a bag of oranges. In your 20s, you might fly through it, feeling like you have all the time in the world. (For me, I had to heal from that manic-depressive decade before I could move on.) But once you hit 30, you see how finite life really is. There’s nothing like a sense of your own mortality that makes you get your act together.

For now, I will be gaining experience in this new job to further my career in writing and content production. This feels like what I’ve been meant to do all along. It really is coming back around like a spiral. I cannot wait.

Easy Vegan Pizza

I hope everyone is enjoying their long Memorial Day weekend. I’ve been cat sitting, making art, writing, doing the dreaded job search, and studying for an intense test for a position that I have a lead on. And, not to mention, there’s the half marathon in a couple of weeks. Plus, I walk and bike everywhere. (I’m a bit of an exercise addict.) Somewhere along the lines, all of that makes me hungry.

Some of my favorite foods are the ones that are the most versatile. For instance, I like smoothies, stir fries, soups, sandwiches, and other “S foods.” There’s one food that’s overlooked sometimes, and that is vegan pizza.

I love pizza because it basically has all the macro nutrients that you need. It’s a great source of carbs, protein, and fat, which is perfect for running those long distances. The creamy tofu ricotta definitely packs a lot of protein to rebuild those muscles. It’s also versatile, which means you can add anything you want to it, and chances are that it will still taste great.

When I first went vegan, I was freaking out a little because I thought it meant giving up pizza. Fortunately, cheeseless pizza is definitely possible. And the vegan cheese industry has really stepped up its game in the last few years.

I haven’t made it much, because I often think about making the dough–which is a little involved, since we have to wait for the yeast to work its magic while the dough rises. Alternatively, there is pre-made dough that cuts the prep time significantly. I prefer using that. Not to mention, it makes cleanup so much easier.

Just in case you ever have another long weekend or just want to prepare food for the week, look no further than this easy vegan pizza recipe. This post is not sponsored by Trader Joe’s; I just use their ingredients a lot because they carry so many vegan options!

You will need:

  • One pound (16 oz.) bag of pre-made vegan pizza dough (I used Trader Joe’s herb dough)
  • 1/2 cup of marinara sauce
  • Vegan cheese (optional)
  • All the veggies you can handle (I used spinach, mushrooms, and sundried tomatoes)
  • Tofu ricotta (recipe below)

Preheat the oven according to the pizza dough’s instructions. In this case, it was 500 degrees F. Roll out the pizza dough on a floured surface until it’s a 12-inch circle. Transfer to an oiled baking sheet.

Next, spoon the marinara sauce onto the rolled out dough. Add the vegan cheese, then the toppings. With a tablespoon, drop a dollop of the tofu ricotta onto the unbaked vegan pizza.

Bake for 15 minutes, then take it out of the oven. Let the pizza cool for a few minutes before slicing and digging in. Bon appétit!

Tofu Ricotta Recipe:

  • 14 oz. tofu, drained
  • 4 Tbsp. of lemon juice
  • 1/4 cup of nutritional yeast
  • 3 Tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon each of salt and pepper
  • 1 Tbsp. of dried oregano.

In a food processor, blend all ingredients until smooth. This will make about 2 cups of tofu ricotta. Use what you need for the pizza; the rest can be stored in an airtight container for up to a week.

The Form of the Cupcake

It may be obvious that I have an obsession with cupcakes. Cupcakes frequently appear in my artwork, coming in different flavors and settings. I’m obsessed with cupcakes enough to even get one tattooed on my left forearm. It is understandable to assume that because they are ubiquitous in my work, I must have an insatiable sweet tooth and consume the perfectly packaged treat on a regular basis. What I’m really after is the form of the cupcake.

The main interest here is the form (or the actual shape) of the cupcake. The nicely compact form has a relatively even length, width, and height. My favorite shape is the spiral; the frosting on top of the cake is a beautiful upwards spiral with corners spun into the roundness. The wrapper on the lower half of the cupcake has neat ridges all around, giving it an even balance. The ridges complement the corners of the spiraled frosting. Finally, a cherry on top or rainbow sprinkles add a nice finish to the cupcake. The whole ensemble is a lovely form, if you ask me.

Some ask about what I think of ice cream cones then, since the ice cream spirals up on itself. Although they do have that upwards spiral, the form of the ice cream cone is long. It’s also uneven in itself; the top heaviness would most likely make it topple over. In contrast, the cupcake has the desirable compact form, in addition to being able to stand on its own.

Sometimes I go to bakeries just to look at the cupcakes. I may not eat them frequently, but it’s nice to observe the beautiful array of these desserts, especially if they are vegan. Cupcakes are one of the most beautiful things ever created. And surely, I am not alone in admiring them without eating them.

Kill Yourself…with Kindness

A year ago, I started my journey of circumnavigating the world. I did this as an attempt to change my life thinking I could turn a new leaf, especially in the career aspect. I started this blog as a new creative project to help me gain experience in social media and content creation. Although the psychological changes from that epic adventure are still sinking in, things in life are not exactly where I would like them to be.

Coming back, I thought that everything would be more put together and stable by now; and yet things are still open-ended. This uncertainty is unsettling, and the resulting feelings of aimlessness and ineffectiveness permeate throughout. In this blog, the initial aim was to document growth, because life isn’t linear; it’s more of a spiral. As we grow, we often return to the same points in life on new levels–hence, Coming Full Spiral. But growth here has been happening at a snail’s pace, a very slow spiral. And instead of documenting my personal growth lately, I had been posting recipes, self-care stuff, and general lifestyle things.

Kindness towards others and self-care are values I do my best to live by. And while I’m really good at being kind to others, I’m going to be real with you-—I have not been very kind to myself as of late. While I was in therapy, I had to learn to eradicate the word “should” from usage. And yet, these emotions stem from self-criticism that my life should be stable and grounded, that I should make oodles of money by now. Some friends recently gave reminders to be more gentle and kinder towards myself, because this self-criticism may be the culprit of why things have been working against me lately.

One friend said that whenever he has negative thoughts about himself, he tries to stop and ask if he would treat others that way. He wouldn’t, and it helps give the perspective to stop. We actually had a workshop about that at Burning Man five years ago. We had to face our workshop partner and tell our self-criticisms to their face, like we were berating them. I had to apologize in advance. It’s not as bad now, but this is a weird spot in life. But I like my friend’s idea. It is a very good perspective to keep in mind.

So, I have tried to ease up a little. Another friend said that when she stopped caring too much, things just flowed easier because there was less resistance in the mind. When you let go, she said, things tend to fall into place easier. When you’re not as concerned with getting ahead, you get there when you do. All of that energy spent from attachment gets redirected towards what does matter. Trust in the universe, they say…but goodness, this “gentle surrender” is deceptively easy.

From what I understand, this non-attachment (not to be confused with being emotionally detached) involves distancing oneself as to not be entangled in desire. When the mind is entangled, it can be murky, so it can feel off-center. It can feel like treading water at times.

There are many things I learned from this worldwide journey. Traveling can truly empower someone, let alone make a dent in whatever emotional disorders they live with. Now the understanding that life is actually one big overhaul needs to sink in. Intellectually, I know this. In order to fully understand, it must also be emotionally accepted and embraced.

Growth is two steps forward and one step back. A year later, I’ve come back to the same point, and this time it’s on a different level. And what else would help is being kinder to myself. Because when you are better to yourself, then everyone around you benefits.

Pet/House Sitting

I’ve been pet sitting a lot lately. I’ve been doing this on and off for years. I usually take care of cats and sometimes dogs.

There’s something about loving other people’s animals and looking after their homes that is calming and soothing. It’s probably the notion that this duty stems from trust, which makes it meaningful. When pet sitting, I do my best to treat the house like a camp site: Leave No Trace. This means leaving everything the way it was found. I treat other people’s homes better than my own, even. And of course, the animals need lots of love while their families are away. My introverted nature generally makes me more sociable around animals than people, so I give them as much attention as they like.

When pet sitting, it’s very important not to pick favorites among clients and their cats to ensure that everyone gets the same kind of loving treatment. Of course, like people, cats have different personalities. Some are more affectionate, and others need more space. Regardless, I still love them like they’re my own.

When it comes to looking after the house, I mentioned the Leave No Trace principle. This is because when people come back to their homes from a trip, they’re probably tired. My job is to make everything look nice so that they come back to a clean and pleasant setting. I do my best to leave the home the way I found it. Not only does it impress them, but that often influences their decision if they would like me to look after their home and animals in the future.

Whenever I’m pet sitting, I often send pictures and updates at the family’s discretion. The families miss their pets, so I give them a peace of mind that everyone is being well loved and cared for. I’ve rarely ever had anything go wrong, and if something were to happen, they would get notified immediately. I’m pretty careful and like making sure everyone is safe.

Often, I get asked to come back. Not only has trust been established to look after everything, but the animals and I have built a solid rapport. I’m always happy to do so.

31 Revolutions Around the Sun

Today is my 31st Birthday.

A year ago I entered my 30s, feeling like I was wearing shoes that were a couple sizes too big. It felt unfamiliar, and I was unsure of what to do with myself. Then I left to travel and the changes from that whole trip have continued to spur growth in the void where it felt like something was missing.

I just returned from a family union gathering in Jacksonville, FL. My cousins and I are in the same age range, and they are in their late 20s. I overheard one of them expressing mild apprehension about turning 28, and another consoling her that it’s just another year. I have to say that once you hit 30, all of that concern dissolves. About 20 years ago, I asked one of my aunts her age. It made her stop and think. Finally, she said, “I’m 35, but when you get to my age, you forget how old you are.” My 9-year-old mind didn’t believe her at the time, but I get what she means now.

My 30th year will be hard to beat. But starting my third decade with the deliberate intention of upending my life with epic adventures in order to grow has proven to lay the foundation to further improve my own life. Before, depression had permeated my existence, which often made it difficult to move ahead. But as I get older, I feel more comfortable taking risks and making investments to further grow as a person. The depression is still there at times, but it doesn’t have as much power as it did a year ago.

I don’t have a tendency to look back as much. At this point, I’m looking ahead and have been living with more solid intention than I did before. It’s so much easier to do that when healing has taken place more. I’m okay with the weight gain and creases forming around my eyes. The clarity that comes with age is more important. Once you have that, there’s nothing that can ever take it away.

I am feeling pretty good about it.

Coming Full Spiral Turns One!

Happy Spring! A year ago today, I decided to start a new project on personal growth. I decided to direct my creativity towards writing and documentation in the form of a blog. Today, Coming Full Spiral turns one!

This blog is about personal growth one day at a time through creativity, travel, mindfulness, connection, and vegan health & fitness.

I believe that, instead of following a linear path, life is more of a spiral. As a person grows, they often come back to some of the same points in life on whole new levels. I created this blog mostly for documentation of how I go about this life–How I’m expanding my own world through self-care, self-love, connecting with others, and taking risks. Here, I wrote about my travels, self-care guides when it comes to mental health, healthy vegan recipes for a compassionate lifestyle, and even shared some of my visual art.

In addition to expression, I also learned the technical side of blogging. This included learning the complex platform of WordPress, SEO, and using social media to connect with my audience. The next thing is monetization of this blog, which is a little scary to think about. Once my audience has grown enough, it’s more feasible.

If you have been following for a while and if it inspires you, that’s great! Rather than projecting the message of “if you can dream it, you can do it,” my mission here is to show how life can be taken one day at a time while keeping an open heart and mind. Eventually, things fall into place better. In the mean time, I’ll be posting more as my mental health continues to further improve. Happy reading!

Plant Lady

Plants are a new thing I’ve been collecting. We can’t have any more cats, so the only other option are plants. I never considered myself to be a plant lady, because most of them had died under my care. I thought of myself to have a black thumb until recently.

It wasn’t until 3 years ago, when I first entered therapy, that I decided to try and grow an avocado plant from a pit. So, I followed steps on how to do that. It actually took over a month before the first root emerged through the crack. When it grew long enough, I transferred it to a pot.

Here I am with Loretta, an avocado tree I grew from that pit. I viewed this avocado seedling as a metaphor for growth. From the beginning, as she grew from an embryonic seedling, I nurtured her as I did to myself during that time.

I made sure her soil was always moist as her thin stem steadily grew upwards and sprouted the first pair of leaves.

One day, I came home to find that our cat had eaten the leaves and subsequently threw them up in the other room. After Googling to make sure avocado leaves weren’t toxic to cats, I kept an eye on the very young plant. I kept her, hoping she could grow new leaves eventually… Patience, patience, patience. Within weeks, small new leaves slowly emerged just below where the stem was broken off. I later learned that it’s a good practice, when starting an avocado tree from a seed, to cut it back after it gets about 10 inches. It helps the roots double up and get really strong.

It reminded me that as we heal from trauma in our lives, it is two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes we need stuff like that to happen in our own beings so that our own roots can grow stronger.

I kept up the practice of trimming the leaves, especially the sick and yellow ones. And Loretta grew steadily. Two years later, I left to travel the world. Upon returning three months later, I saw that the poor plant’s leaves had all shriveled up! I carefully trimmed those off, but I knew she wasn’t dead. Within days, she started growing new leaves, but from an unexpected place: at the bottom of the stem. The leaves at the top started growing back later. I took that as a sign that we also grow in ways we don’t expect. Growth is not linear.

I’ve been healing for a while now, and this avocado seedling has been growing along with me. A big lesson learned from this journey is that everything will fall into place; it just takes patience. It’s a slow process, like being a seedling. I told my therapist about that metaphor, and she agreed that one can’t yell at a plant to grow faster. So, I’ve learned to hand the reigns of life over to the universe and let the chips fall where they may. Before that, I forced and compelled things to happen my whole life and that took a lot of energy out of me. That’s what I’ve been these past three years: healing and letting everything fall into place…however that turns out. Kind of like how this plant has turned out.

This plant’s pronouns were definitely “she” and “her,” and it wasn’t until the last two months that the name finally came to me. Loretta sounds like a good fit.

Then over Christmas, I got a cactus from Secret Santa. Someone said that she looks bitchy, but I think she’s just misunderstood. She always has a home here.

And then I acquired Kyle in January. This is a boy plant to balance out the girls. It’s always so nice to add more life into my room, so he sits on my night stand and guards me as I sleep. I’m not entirely sure how I come up with the genders of the plants. They just come as they are.

I am looking forward to getting more plants when the time is right.

The Second Month of 2018

Just in case you feel badly about yourself or your capabilities, remember that you circumnavigated the world on your own.

-My therapist

In the past month:

  1. My grandma died
  2. My temp job ended and it has been difficult securing another full time job.
  3. My relationship ended.
  4. I’ve had to come to terms with something traumatic that happened to me 3 years ago.

The present:

It could always be a lot worse. I know. Experience has shown that when things don’t work out, it’s often a push towards something better. I’m still sad from it all. I think these feelings must be worked through in order to move on.

The future:

I’m going to most likely encounter some estranged family members at my grandma’s birthday celebration in March, which I am apprehensive about. My therapist says I got this. Perhaps we can all have a fresh start.

What a start to the new year.

We are in the second month of 2018. If you made any resolutions, how are you holding up? What have you accomplished so far? What amazing stuff have you done already? If you’re like me, self-care would be your Number One priority, especially when shit has hit the fan.

I don’t really make New Year’s Resolutions anymore, despite having kept most of them. Many times, a lot of new habits for self-improvement kick in around the middle of the year. But now that I’m going through a difficult time, self-care while formulating an action plan is absolutely necessary.

The only resolution I made was to quit sugar for the entire month of January. (A friend brought up a very good point: do I mean just vegan desserts, or added sugar? Sugar is ubiquitous, occurring even in salad dressing and soy milk. In this case, I meant vegan sweets and desserts.) It’s not the first time I have quit consuming something. Several years back, I became 90% gluten-free for six months. I have to say that I never noticed a difference in mostly eliminating gluten from my diet. But giving up sugar has produced some subtle changes in my mood after about 6 weeks.

After January ended, I had a few desserts in the first 2 weeks of February. They made me feel a little bit sick, and there was that sugar hangover that hangs like a dark depressive cloud for days after. So, I decided it’s a good idea to eliminate sugar indefinitely. Maybe I’ll have a dessert once a month, but it’s clear that any more than that has adverse effects.

Somewhere I have read that it takes a minimum of 21 days to enforce a new habit, but I’m pretty sure that many people agree that it takes much longer than that. When I quit alcohol, it actually took months before the benefits of sobriety began to settle in.

As an aside, my brother from another mother and I have been 18 months sober now. Halfway through the year, we decided it was best that I stopped drinking, and he quit with me. This is the longest I have been without alcohol since 2010. What was once seen as a life sentence, we now embrace as a lifetime commitment.

I also have been getting back on track with meditation, drawing, and even journal writing. I still run, and really want to do a third marathon. (Right now I cannot justify the costs of the expensive race fees.) Even keeping my living space neat and tidy has been helpful. Self-care is my main priority now. Everything else falls into place after taking care of myself first. Then, my life will get back on track. In the meantime, I get to send my carefully crafted resume and cover letters out to potential employers.

In the past, I was fearful of being in between jobs and viewed romantic relationships that didn’t work out as a reflection of how I failed. But now I can see that some things just aren’t meant to be. Experience has shown that if something doesn’t work out or open up, then maybe it’s not your path. As for my grandmother, I am glad she had lived a long, fruitful, and blessed life. She was the sweetest lady and I miss her.

Take a deep breath…

You will get through this.